Hef

This one’s a true story: We were playing Apples to Apples on Thanksgiving. The basic premise is that a person puts a topic card down (like Fat or Happy or Sad or Tricky) and you have to play one of your cards that matches the theme. So if the topic is Fat you can play Candy or Babe Ruth or Bowling Ball and the judge gets to choose the card that best fits the theme and that person gets a point.

Well, the topic was Touchy Feely and without batting an eye I play…wait for it…Helen Keller. I know, right? Well everyone quietly gathered up the pieces to the game and threw them in the garbage because everyone realized how perfect is was and how no one would ever do anything as clever again.

No, what really happened was I made such a big deal about how clever it was that the point was awarded to someone else so I wouldn’t win the game. But that’s not the point. The point is that no one should ever play Apples to Apples again because the stars will never align so brilliantly again.

My 5 year old came home from school today with an “I Voted!” sticker on so we asked him who he voted for. He said, “We didn’t vote for President. We voted for our favorite ice cream flavor between chocolate and vanilla. Vanilla won, but it was really close.”

I’m dying. I can’t stop laughing.

inothernews:

Ermagahd.

SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!

liberalsarecool:

Busted.

redditor captainpixystick explains the Affordable Care Act to you like you're five.

Bob: Hi, insurance company. I'd like to buy some health insurance.
Insurance company: No. You had cancer when you were 3 years old, and the cancer could come back. We're not selling you health insurance.
Bob: It's not my fault I got cancer when I was three! Besides, that was years ago!
Insurance company: If we sell insurance to you, we'll probably lose money, and we're not doing it.
Bob: But I need insurance more than anyone! My cancer might come back!
Insurance company: We don't care. We're not selling you insurance.
Obama: Hey, that's totally not fair. Bob is right, he does need insurance! Sell Bob some insurance.
Insurance company: If we have to, I guess.
Mary: This is cool. Obama said the insurance company has to sell insurance to anyone who needs it.
Sam: Hey, I have an idea. I'm going to stop paying for health insurance. If I get sick, I can always go buy some insurance then. The insurance company won't be able to say no, because Obama's told them they have to sell it to anyone who needs it!
Dave: that's a great idea! I'm not paying for health insurance either, at least not until I get sick.
Insurance company: Hey! If everyone stops paying for insurance, we'll go bankrupt!
Obama: Oh come on Sam and Dave, that's not fair either.
Dave: I don't care. It saves me money.
Obama: Oh for god's sake. Sam, Dave, you have to keep paying for health insurance, and not wait until you're sick. You too, Mary and Bob.
Mary: But I'm broke! I can't buy insurance! I just don't have any money.
Obama: Mary, show me your piggy bank. Oh, wow, you really are broke. Ok, tell you what. You still have to buy insurance, but I'll help you pay 95% of the cost.
Mary: thank you.
Obama: I need an aspirin.
Insurance company: We're not paying for that aspirin.

I know everyone hates Drudge for distorting the news with his ridiculous headlines, but as a sports fan, this takes the cake. ”Sanchez Struggles Before Tebow Takes Over.” Was this written by Skip Bayless? And why aren’t their exclamation points in the headline? Surely that would have helped.

Their stat lines:

Sanchez: 9/11, 59 yards, 1 Int. One big mistake obviously with the pick six.

Tebow: 5/14, 69 yards, 0 Int. In addition, he was sacked 4 times for 33 yards. I thought this guy could scramble. Isn’t that his only discernible talent?

Way to take over, Tebow. If it wasn’t for you, the Jets would have lost by 50 instead of 23.

The top comment to this video is: “This is what happens when bullying stops.” I haven’t laughed so hard in ages.

Bold. Aggressive.

tallwhitney:

Stair-car, spotted!

I would totally get arrested for being a hop-on if this drove past me. Gotta watch out for hop-ons.

Worth Reposting Every Now and Again

“There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”

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